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  • Writer's pictureCici Joch

Change expectation or shift reality?

This morning was chaos in my house- my husband's been gone for 3 weeks and I had been holding down the fort really well. I was actually really proud of myself for the ease and flow of the last few weeks. I had attributed my success to how great of a mom I am especially when I am on my own- of course that was my ego and as soon as that thought had surfaced it was crushed by the reality of this morning when all sh*t broke loose!

Super confident mom had turned into WTF mom- my inner child was screaming for control and attention...and in one instant I had turned into shitty mom, my worst fear! I was fighting for control and respect and since that wasn't working I thought I would start punishing- more power for me woohoo! It was ugly, it was messy and it didn't feel good. I even had a note from my daughter that said "I love you mommy but you don't love me"...take that shitty mom!

So many things to deconstruct here- first, am I a shitty mom, of course not! Is it always supposed to feel good? No. When our kids are not happy with us does it mean that we are good or bad? And what does that even mean? I think if I give my kids a roof over their head and food, isn't that enough? Am I a better mom if it's organic? Am I a better mom if I drive them all over town for sports/ piano/ gymnastics/ swim and then have nothing left to give because I am exhausted? The pressure has increased tremendously and we are forgetting what children truly want- they want to connect with us- they want to feel seen, they want to feel heard and they want to feel that they matter. Of course we screw up daily in our unconsciousness- we react, we over react, we yell and scream and demand and punish...but when we remember to be in the present moment, like our children are, we can start over and over and over. This brings me to my next point about acceptance. After I had dropped off the kids I had to go within and think how I could avoid repeating this scenario?

EXPECTATION DETOX- what was my expectation this morning?For everyone to wake up, get ready somewhat peacefully and be on our merry way. When things took a different turn I panicked and I was suffering.

Was my expectation worthy, valid and relevant?

My ego will scream hell yes! But I don't think so- I am dealing with a 4 and 7 year old- they are tired, they miss their dad, it's their first winter ever, new country, new school so if we are late for school how horrible is that...(and we weren't even late!) it's not so no my expectation was not worthy enough.

So now I have a choice: change my expectation or shift my reality.

Right now I am choosing to change my expectation for the short term- the kids will be on break next week so our schedule will change again during that time and it's not worthy to shift my reality right now- after the break I will revisit and if it's still chaos I will shift my reality.

After making the choice of changing my expectation I will enter into acceptance and surrender. I can release and let go of my vision and make peace with the morning chaos. Now that I have released expectations and aligned with reality I have freed up lots of emotional resources and I can empathically connect with my kids- at this point my own needs are not getting in the way of connecting with my kids.

Bottom line is that it sounds sooo easy on paper, wish me luck for tomorrow. I will keep you posted!

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