Today I woke up feeling great and so excited for the day ahead!!!
I am going to a music festival to meet my friends and dance all day and all night.
I didn’t think dancing at a festival was still in my system, or in my future plans. I had given up that life a long time ago- 10 years ago actually.
10 years ago, I got tired of going out and partying. My career was not fulfilling, I didn’t have a clear direction where I wanted to go, but I had met someone and was madly in love. He was kind, patient, stable, older than me and it was quite refreshing from all the other players I had met this far. He was solid and he would have done anything for me.
During that time, early 30’s, hormones were kicking in and the desire to start a family came screaming at me. Never before had I even considered having children. Somehow it felt like the perfect idea to create a more meaningful life with more substance, depth and something/ someone bigger than me...Oh boy, did I get all of that and then some!
So fast forward 10 years later, I have 2 children, 6 and 9 years old, a husband and I have been playing housewife and stay at home mom...until one day I woke up and that’s the story I really want to share.
For 10 years I tried to fit into a box- you know the box that culture and society have been promoting. The one that says you “should” get married, have children, have a nice house, be organized, cook organic food, have a dog, teach your children the violin, the piano, football, Chinese...all of this before the age of 5...the box that tells you that you should also look good, work out, be happy, make time for sex even when your’re tired, but wait...no, you’re not supposed to be tired because being a mother is soooo amazing and rewarding, they fill you up with so much JOY! Ok, you get the picture!
I don’t know about you, but I woke up from that dream and it felt more like a nightmare. On the outside I had it all: the nice house, the husband, the kids, the dog; but where was the joy in all this??? Why was I so unhappy? Something must have been wrong with me, all these women were “doing” life and made it look so flawless, so easy… I didn’t recognize myself. I thought I had created a meaningful like but it was devoid of joy and fun...Now let’s talk about fun for a minute.
For so many years I felt shame that I always loved to have fun. Life was a big party being thrown for me every day, fun, fun and more fun was what I looked for...Most of my life I heard that you have to make sacrifices and compromises and you can’t have fun all the time...So I was led to believe that having fun was ok for children but not part of the adult world. I had to grow up, work hard and compromise my fun. So I did just that. I played the game and became a mother. I played grown-up for 10 years and life was challenging, serious and busy...being busy is a measure of how good you are “doing”life and parenting apparently.
My idea of fun during that time was going out to dinner for an hour or two to catch up with a friend and then right back home.
I had fully accepted this idea that living life as a grown up was what I was “supposed” to do, until one day…
Actually it’s much more than just one day. It’s many days of realizing how unhappy I was and making small changes to pick myself up and take care of me. I have written extensively about that part so I will focus on the more recent changes in my life.
I have felt for the last 2 years maybe 3 that being married was not in alignment with my true self. As I was going through my own journey of soul searching and doing the work it became clear that I didn’t want to be married. I stopped believing in the construct of marriage and I wanted out. I did share this with my husband but of course it made no sense to him. I felt trapped, I wanted to be free and true to myself. I know it might sound woowoo but I don’t know how else to explain it...obviously I was not in love either but it had nothing to do with him. It was about me being in alignment with my true self.
I stayed in the marriage because it just wasn’t the right time and it was Covid...and I wasn’t ready to leave.
Fast forward to 2021, the universe manifested the perfect opportunity for me to move out with the kids and start a new life in an incredibly community. So as a family we agreed that the kids and I would move to another town where there was a much better school, 500km away from my husband.
It was exactly what I needed to create the space and see what living separately would look like. Sure enough, it didn’t take long to reaffirm my decision to leave the marriage.
I had moved to a community where freedom, self-expression, acceptance, spirituality and FUN were prioritized! Moving here was one of the first steps in my awakening. Seeing other moms let loose, dance, be free was revolutionary...it was so liberating! It was a process for me to start shedding my old beliefs. I started noticing how uncomfortable I was going dancing and having other men try to dance with me...it had been so long since I went dancing alone and I noticed how uptight I was...I was definitely not free like I thought I was. My old beliefs that if I danced with someone might be sending the wrong message was all coming back to me and that way of thinking definitely showed my age!
So I started to pay attention to my thoughts...how could I be truly free? I knew deep inside I had always been a free spirit and a rebel at heart but it had been so buried over the years that I really didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew that where I was wasn’t working anymore and I wanted to change. better school.
By paying closer attention to my thoughts, I became aware that my identity was tied up to being a mother and a wife. This was the identity that I had been brainwashed by society and culture. I had not consciously chosen this identity but rather fallen into it...I guess that’s why it’s called brainwashing. I hadn’t questioned it until now. Why would I? It’s so much easier to fit in the mold…
By now I was in full questioning mode and there was no turning back. Who was I as a woman, not a mom or a wife but simply a woman in my early 40’s. Identifying as a woman seemed like the first step. I started with the outside, the physical... I started looking in the mirror and noticing myself ... as a mom and wife you kind of forget about your looks, and I have to give credit to my husband who actually did compliment me a lot...but somehow I didn’t think about my own attractiveness and it didn’t seem important. But guess what? It is important and it is not superficial.
So I started to look in the mirror and find aspects of my looks that I liked. Not long after that I decided I wanted to rock my bikini body. Living at the beach you do spend a lot of time in a bikini! I wanted to look at myself in the mirror and feel great. So I started wearing a bikini all day (it’s amazing how much less you eat when wearing a bikini at the table!), exercise and without putting too much effort or thought into I did get to a place where I was pleased with the way I looked. While this might seem like it’s all on the outside, it created a shift on the inside. I was feeling sexy and feminine, but also empowered. It felt like I was claiming a side of me I didn’t know yet...my own personal power, the portal to my own divinity.
One thing I should mention is that I wasn’t doing this for anyone else but me. I was fully exploring my own essence as a woman for my own sake.
I realized that I had never connected to the deep sacred feminine side of me, I wasn’t really comfortable with my sexuality and I knew that to be truly free this was the next chapter...
This part will be for the next blog as I am still processing it.
So here I am, at the tender age of 43 fully embracing my free spirit, rebellious side and about to go have sooo much fun and dance...My definition of FUN has certainly evolved over the years but I can now stand proudly and say that FUN is one of my top values; no shame in my game! I am absolutely convinced that joy, fun and pleasure are our birthright.
I still believe that life is a big party being thrown for me every day...and that’s what I manifest!
In closing, I invite you to pay attention to your thoughts. As I was writing this I realized how it started from a thought (my identity as a woman) and that thought became an emotion (feeling good in my body), and that emotion turned into a state of being (getting in shape) and before I knew it, my personality (connecting to my feminine side) had shifted…Pay attention to your thoughts!!!
Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
Sending lots of love, joy and bubbles your way!!!
Cici
