Is it getting easier???
Quarantine day #5,555,555,5555...how are y' all doing?! Is it getting easier? Does it ever get easier being confined home with other human beings or pets or even being alone? I have true admiration for sailors or should I say sailing families! I used to romanticize about living on a sailboat across crystal blue waters bonding with my family while swimming with dolphins...Until one day we tried it and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown! Sometimes, I mean almost always, reality doesn't meet our expectations. This was definitely one of those times where I suffered. This is my second confinement this year...I would still rather be confined on land than on a boat any day. So is it getting easier? I would say some days yes and some days no. The reality I am faced with is hard to witness. Besides the horrific impact of the virus, the hard truth of the reality in my house is painful to watch. It's in my face, I can't escape it this time. So what am I faced with? - Cranky kids who are also quite disrespectful and disregard just about everything I tell them- they have also been very physical and fighting. The meaning I am making is powerlessness, lack of control and that I am a bad mom for not having taught any discipline to my kids... - Cranky husband- I have found this time incredibly difficult to connect and he is feeling left out. The meaning I am making is that I am selfish and not capable of expanding my heart. - Cranky me- My survival mechanism has been to put blinders on and ignore just about everyone around me and keep going. So I am leaving behind my husband for the time being- I don't know how else to cope. It had become too painful to rely on him and not feeling supported (meanwhile I know I co-created this situation years ago). I know he sees it differently and I respect that. This wound was there before but during this time it has magnified. The meaning I am making is that I am human, I make mistakes AND I also choose to create meaning out of this experience. The virus is teaching us to pause, connect, disconnect, be patient, trust, hope and BE PRESENT to everything that shows up. So I feel all the big feelings and witness all the emotions that come up, it hurts and sometimes I want to cry and sometimes I don't like what I see but I keep going. I am so committed to all the lessons this experience can teach me, I am committed to growing, and pain has the ability to create growth if you choose. While some days are easier than others there is a lot of tension- the pressure and the anxiety to make it through the day, day by day, moment by moment. At the beginning of this I really thought we would have a lot of fun and create memories (another expectation hangover!) and I have learned to surrender and accept the reality of this moment. This virus has taught me to be in the present moment and accept what is here right now, not fight or suffer that reality isn't meeting expectations. I would love to hear from you, is life getting easier or are you eager to go back to a post-quarantine life...will life ever be the same? What are some lessons you are learning?