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  • Cici Joch

It's a sh*t show

I am not going to pretend that I am learning 7 languages, taken 5 workouts daily and cooked keto meals for the past 4 weeks...No, my kids have not been building beautiful arts and crafts and we are not in this perfectly structured routine...it's a sh*t show...was it any different before this pandemic, not really. What is happening now is a reflection of what already was, just magnified times a million.

So do I feel alone in this, absolutely not. Do I take comfort in knowing that other women are also suffering- yes- do I take comfort having a support group of women- hell yes- do I compare myself to other moms on social media posting about the beautiful things they are doing with their family? Not anymore.

If you have read my previous blogs you will know that we went sailing a year ago, for 6 weeks and it was a total sh*t show. It was a lot worse then- we were not coping well with being in such a confined space. So when this quarantine started I knew what symptoms to look out for- and trust me the same dynamic started almost immediately.

Having that awareness did help, but we are still humans and we all cope with stress differently. I didn't see it that way when we were on the boat- I was pretty stuck in my misery during that time. So now I recognize that we all have our own way to deal with stress, and see that others are doing the best they can. I have also realized that my way of dealing is blaming and criticizing- I have carried guilt and shame around it but I am naming it and releasing the power it has on me. Yes I do, I am definitely working on it. As soon as I get stressed I look for someone to blame, and I see my daughter doing the same thing. It's making me crazy!

I also LOVE to take control of my kitchen- anyone else like me? When I feel that I am loosing control which is basically all the time- control is really an illusion anyway but especially right now, this pandemic is really showing us how little control we had in the first place. I love to clean my kitchen when I need to feel in control- so 90% of the time I couldn't care less about what my kitchen looks like and then there is the 10% of the time when I am talking to glasses and cups and plates that have not been put away. MY kitchen needs to be IN ORDER.

You might have guessed it but I am now basically living in my kitchen- cooking, cleaning and cooking and cleaning...all day long.

Week 4 of this pandemic and I feel drunk on all the emotions I am feeling on a moment to moment basis. I would rather be drunk on champagne- it's exhausting. I know it's part of it, this is massive growth for so many people. It's also massive suffering but they usually come hand in hand.

I know so many women are hurting, wearing many hats- the teacher's hat, mommy's hat, worker's hat, wife's hat, cook's hat, peace maker's hat, cleaner's hat and constantly switching back and forth. Boundaries have been dissolved and new boundaries are being redefined. I am telling you it's a sh*t show because it's all new and we don't know where we are heading. Old rules and paradigms have been broken and we have not designed new ones. We are in the middle of this sh*t show AND we are in it together- solidarity and connections are keeping us alive.

So today I am standing strong in the knowing that this too shall pass, we are all in this together and acceptance of my life as a sh*t show. How is your life going?





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